The Cold Boy and The Deliberate Muse

by C. Kiten

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1.
Look at their literacy, look at it, look at mine Letters, letters, anxiety lies I'm yellow from chewing too much ice Weather, weather, weather reports They cut you off and I'm cut short And I guess he's not really that nice, is he... Who'd want to be married to you? You'd be eschewed And well I guess that's one less threat I know it's petty, but I bet you'd feel the same in this place Stupid is as stupid fucks You're stuck in your suit and stuck in a rut Here, let me help you get it off The slut He's alright, in theory. Him, what? He's great, but he's loved so dearly. This resemblance drawing is killing me. I bet if anyone else could see, even you, you'd tell me I was wrong. He's down at the hospital He has your face but no room to betray his monogamous lungs So, w(h)e(a)ther. Were you fired? Are you a terrified little liar? You come to me, and you're so angry, and we both want to dismantle the same, exactly, but you can't speak, and you can't tell them that they shouldn't be talking. It's a sad sad story, but forever true The Cold Boy and the Deliberate Muse and I am not going to argue with you. It's a sad sad story, but forever true The Cold Boy and the Deliberate Muse Who'd want to be married to you? Who'd want to be married to you...
2.
Paper Cloud 03:57
Human, made of blood Often imbued with lust Human, snacking on love You cannot wait for this to be done A kid, pushing away On the inside she's yearning all day And everyone, everyone is leaving town They are eye to eye He is not surprised She lives, she lives and thrives Off the longings in her head Now they sit so still Not a word is shrill There's a revolution in their beds in their heads You're floating now, but it's a slippery slope You can't see it now, but it's barely a rope Holding you up, dear! You better not forget to fear! It's a paper cloud, and your sounds are loud but you're silent on the outside, when there's nothing to hide, it's tremendously wide, and we will shove it into our bedrooms until we need to sleep. Six months deep. It's a bad dream Such a bad dream It came, by snow and rain but soon enough it was spring again Yet something, something, has changed and the view from here is poisoned The earth is pulled away Left with nothing to say They let it go on for a little while But the sounds are getting bitter Wither Where do I fit if not in the air? Unsatisfied, you stare While I count how many looks you take. If you didn't notice, we are on the ground. Don't you remember when you and I found the paint chipping, and everything was gray? But not as sad as today... You're floating now, but it's a slippery slope You can't see it now, but it's barely a rope Holding you up, dear! You best not forget to fear! It's a paper cloud, and your sounds are loud but you're silent on the outside, when there's nothing to hide, it's tremendously wide, and we will shove it into our bedrooms. Six months deep. It's a bad dream! Such a bad dream...
3.
Spare Time 03:09
What do you do in your spare time? Cause I don't wanna be the stick Your role models I have no credence, just apprehension... Coming up, coming up, coming up Going down, going down, going down reminds me of the things I saw On the ground He's been there Wisdom conquered, it was a good night. But when you haven't been there, do you know what's right? Chemistry What the two of us are always dealing with They've been there Now they don't try to feel it I have the utmost respect But as you're getting old I say: Don't die. I said I didn't know, but I'll never and I don't know why. Never do anything you wouldn't want your baby to. Because it's getting old, pain has gone away. The others, across the street, down the road, on their knees, they don't have what we, I, have. Do you have what I have? Please tell me that you have what I have, 'cause I don't wanna be any of these useless things.
4.
I wish I had a brother. A brother, just like me. I wish I had a brother to tell me exactly what he means. I wish I had a sister, to write everything down. I wish I had a sister who would tell me not to fret when he left town. I wish I had an answer. An answer to soothe me. I wish I had an answer that would keep me from this violence, and set us free. I wish that you would think. I wish your mind was pure. I wish there was a way for me to know just what is alright, but nothing kills me more. They built a wall between us. I tried to tear it down. And I think I did a good job, but there's just one brick left, and let me tell you, it is loud. It isn't made of rock, No, it isn't made of stone, but it's made of grace and smoke and scents and sighs that chill me to the bone. I wish I wasn't strange. I wish I knew that fire. I wish there was some way for me to understand you, except sit here and listen to you talk about desire. I wish that you would just grow up. Or at least, I didn't, either I wish I knew who you were before you met me, and how I proceed from here... There's a woman in the country, dressed a dark purple gown, and she is fine, and she's happy, even when no one's around. There's a girl in a town, sitting on a purple floor, and she is humming to herself sadly, wishing, wishing, you were more- There is a lady in the city, watching over a child, and she is fine, and she's happy, and she'll come home and be proud. There's a girl in a town, sitting on that very floor, that you dreamt of last night, when you walked through the door, You were there with your friends and we had to leave the room because they were getting loud and you wanted, you wanted them to know. Why you're here. And I just wanted to let go of all that fear. And the entire wall was gone. And the grace, and the smoke had returned to where the kids are born, where the kids are born, where we all are so unfortunately born.
5.
World Of 04:11
Into the world of boys and the thoughts that I had and I wondered if my gut was bad and it welled up in my mouth when I tried to smoke no, I tried to hope who would want to for a day? he felt the world of girls and the blur between beauties the red smiles, the flowery wiles and I don't know what she thinks and I don't really know what she'd do do I count on myself? I know no truth Now, I've thought a lot and I have decided that that kind of dirty ain't part of your mind and so is mine because I keep wishing to be living between the two words, always haunting me and I ask for this cursing the puritans I'm too disgusted with you to keep reading into the world of boys where is the respect? what do i expect? for i'm blessed not to be pretty... look at those trees satisfied or not it's time to leave I perceive a baby's blinking at me blame your friends. Origins. Wait, what am I wishing upon your life? how have i deemed them? so perfectly cursed so perfectly confused but they are blessed to see every shade of blue in your shirts So, I'm sticking with the kids who have loved and condemned and listened, sickened, sickened I hate them I hate them I hate you briefly I do, but more than anything, I just do not understand you.
6.
You fell in love with me before you knew my body You fell in love with me before you knew my face You fell in love with me before I understood the complexities of time and waste You fell in love with me when I knew my body You fell in love with me when I knew my face. Before it was tangled, and torn up, and tightened, and thrown out, Before I knew about fear and how the world's so damn unsafe, no one gets away. And I think that's something that we forget. It's completely lost in the things you say. And I know you better than most human beings No one lives completely in night or day. It is hard to see from the other side just exactly what is missing but when you climb out the box, see over the top, surprise, surprise, it is a different kind of gazing. I hope that Thomas is still going on. I hope that [redacted] is wearing a skirt tonight. I do not hope that you are staying strong, or tough, or big, or full of might. And she told me that he was a sociopath, but last night I saw tears in his eyes, and I know what you're thinking, that I'm just assuming, but something tells me that I must be right. Because this is INDISPUTABLY wrong. And it has NOTHING to do with me. Maybe I have trouble seeing SOMETIMES, but my intuition is strong, usually. And I've thought this over, and over, and over, and I know what I am not anymore. They say at this age, you get to choose your path, but I have known this long before and it just makes me want to go back to when we were voices and cartoons when we picked our own names and we could always change them if we want to we can change, if we want to...
7.
Blankets 04:53
I have a spare bed here. It's warm, and it's clean. And I will lay it in for you, if that is what you want from me. And are we dying? Or are we dead, cause I haven't felt you, and I cannot lose again. You've never held me. It's a jumble of mirth. I pull you towards me, as if you were the first. (And you are) as if you'd given birth. (And you're far) Like I'm some kind of widow. Oh, you're speaking French, I don't hear your name due to accents, I saw you in him and I saw him in the blankets. Oh, my soul is split, I tell everyone not to do it. Who needs to? Come on, who needs to? Oh, split, renewed. And you burn for me, But you won't call me back, purgatory. Oh, so distracted, burdened but still scared of happiness, Should I let it go? Will I be dry? How can I know? I mumble like he would. And I try not to scratch. And I will keep on moving out, yeah it hurts, but that is that. But when I feel your fervors, so much is erased. And I think that we're fine, but love is replaced. This is far beyond what I thought I was still made of. Do you get like this? Not unhappy, not quite desperate. Getting tender now. Whisper to me about libraries. Remember what I read. Will we die? Will we die? Are we dead? And we'll live a we(ea)k dream. And be infinite. And when it all ends, we'll call it an accident.
8.
Let's go back awhile, before it was you and me. When it was a bit abnormal of us to stay up until three. You come in, and I'm bothered, and when you come in, I am not, and you come into my life quicker than I ever thought, and we fall. But then you tell me we can't be, no, no, and you go and blame it all on some stupid theory. I remember, you said... We should grab the people that we stand with, and dance with the people that we can grab. And I don't understand, what it means, all of this, but it's raining here too, and I just want to ask; Do you think the others feel like this? Or do you think they've succumbed to convenience? Is it fate or convenience? Tell me now, how do you feel about it? We're going downtown, you've never been here before. And we're well aware we're the children of the lovers who do not love anymore. And we're lining up now, we planned to buy tickets at the door. But they tell us that there is only one left, and we know right away if we'll split or we'll soar because we would grab the people stand we stand with, and dance with the people that we can grab, and we'd know down inside that it's all meaningless, but it still would be sad, and we don't want that. So let's go home, my friends are busy tonight, and it's sad here, to me, but I can tell that you feel all right, because this is all new to you. And suddenly the walls are getting bright. The color of your soul It was always this shade, right? Turn out the light and let's do this Grab me, I stand with you Dance with me, you can have me, oh and I understand once and for all. But I have just one simple little question that you never answered. You probably don't even remember... Is it fate or convenience? You never told me how you feel about anything so if you could now, please tell me before I let you that far into me tell me now please why are you here and do you still love me go on tell me tell me tell me tell me me you you you You.

credits

released November 22, 2019

All songs written and recorded by C. Kiten, with overdubs & mixing help from Rob Duffy. Bass on "Unfortunately Born" by Josh Solomon. Strings on "Unfortunately Born" and "Voices and Cartoons" played by Adrian Kim and Pauline Lay. Mastered by Rob Duffy.

Love and thanks to Rob, Josh, Adrian, Pauline, Taylor, Holden, Carlos, my parents, every teacher I've ever had, G-U, Kara's Walk Home, Shady Characters, Cardio Arts, venues & dreams that don't exist anymore but still do in my heart, and all my friends who see me when I need to be seen.

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C. Kiten Los Angeles, California

Brittany Scheffler

Stormy alt-folk/post-sadcore from your penpal across the earth.

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